two days have gone by and i still feel myself crumbling.i know about depression but this time,i have had the opportunity to learn about opportunistic stress,those that make me forget who i actually am and not remember anything i ever achieved,those that have made me look at photos of my favorite sister and cry because i am worried about her going through the same cycle of pain and confusion.i talk to myself in such situations but today,even talking to God has not eased my condition and they that know tell me not to worry.how do i explain to someone that i actually don`t know why i feel the way i do? anyway,i have no energy or even the mood to explain anything to anyone.i managed to whisper in the shower,that it will pass but this damned feeling is proving to me how strong it is,it insists on breaking me down.it has even managed to make me doubt my dreams,even my talent which is like the only thing i believe in.
i have spent the whole day asking myself where i have gone wrong.i don`t seem to find any,i have even repented and forced a smile,my heart is clogged.i thought of anyone i can talk to,no one crosses my mind,so here i am doing what i used to think i do best though it seems like i don`t trust this but the fact that black on white has always been my way of expressing things i can`t explain,i have to do it.
i thought of my father,i even missed him,i thought of my favorite sister and felt guilty that i don`t think as much about my brother.i listened to some music,tried to sing along even to those that i don`t really know,it wasn`t working,i went back into the house and took a long shower,i usually meditate in the shower but today,i wasn`t thinking,i just watched the water flow,i bet i was counting the drops and the number was close to the weight of the burden i am feeling.i dressed up,made some coffee,it did ease my headache,then took lunch over a movie and later went to pick my niece from school,she is such an angel,at least she told me stories.now here i am,in the bedroom,talking about nothing.why do emotions have to be so complicated? i have sworn that if i don`t feel better by tomorrow i will either smoke weed or take alcohol,lots of it.i don`t do drugs but if i don`t do it,i might just run mad
i have been a cry baby,for like a year now but its just two months ago that i took an oath never to cry again,so am not breaking my promise to my poor soul.i know i have betrayed it severally,i can`t afford to do it now.I also can`t call this a feeling of emptiness because i am full of worries and doubts.
i could talk to my best friend but i know he is going through a tough time,my girls might not help much,so i thought,what are blogs for? i might just take to bed early like i did yesterday so that i don`t end up making everyone wonder if i have broken up,which is not the case,you know how people think.
remember,if i don`t feel better,i am weeding,it should be an amazing experience.