Dear mum and dad,my life is tough,really tough.Not that you not doing your part,it`s just the feeling that i am taking forever to be who i am supposed to be.I stay up every night,pray hard each time,tell God a few things that i want to accomplish soon and when i wake up the next morning,i am still on the same bed,in the same clothes, eating at the same table,the same kind of food.
I have dreams papa,dreams i dream for you,i think of you mama,the things i would love to do for you,but life is failing me or is it I who is failing life,whichever way,i am failing.I fear failure,you both know that and I know it even more,how it eats into my meal times and fills my belly,how it occupies my sleep time and keeps me awake,how it snatches my smile and keeps that frown on my face,how it grabs the warmth in my heart and replaces it with so much cold,i shiver mama,i tremble papa,in fear of failing me for you.
I have been trying,well,i guess trial is not enough,so often,i ask myself what i can do and because my thoughts overwhelm me,i break down and cry,my tears,another failure,do not drown my worries,and Juliet,like everyone else tells me to live for the moment,I stand up and ask myself if I have the moment,of course I have it,just that it has nothing to smile about.I know about the gift of life,I know about love too,I have heard about rejoicing for the good health,the problem with me though,I don`t want to live,I want to be full of life,I want life to live in me,I want it to control my every spirit,I want it to be my direction,,yes I want to….
I stretch out my hands and grab nothingness,look deeper into the darkness in my heart and sit down to listen to my heart beat,I know it is as worried as I am and more so,it is afraid of stopping before the soul`s desire is achieved,no one wants to blamed for failing success.I know mama,that you wondering what`s come over me,nothing at all,I wonder if you ever felt what i am feeling,did you ever look for encouragement on the internet? did you ever cry yourself to sleep because there is nothing you can do? did you ever fail to eat because the taste of hunger is sweeter than cardbury chocolate bar?,because it looks like everything you deserve for being an ordinary human?,did you ever ask yourself what this life is all about and what exactly your purpose is,just to ask the same question again a month later?,maybe,maybe not but i have felt these ever since i started dreaming,ever since i learned that there are dreams outside the bedroom.
They tell me about one step at a time,but i know that impatience is a virtue for achievers,i know about a snail`s pace getting it to it`s destination,but i also know that we can`t ride on a tortoise when there is a horse.Life has decided to make me a liability when all i have always wanted to be is an asset,I
So i force myself to believe that there is a right time for everything despite the constant knock at the back of head that insists on reminding me that better things come to those who go grab them,in my case though,there is nothing to grab,okay,maybe there is but when my MP won`t show me the way when i ask,when all those that claim to have made it just look at me and ask me to wait for my time,I just wish that time melts away faster than ice cream on fire,as I sit back and ask myself what they mean when they tell me to wait for my time,I had always thought that I should be the one to know when my time is.
I scream to the world in my weary voice,lay down on the cold floor and feel the oneness,we have both defied the ability of the heat and stuck to being cold,because that is what the world is,cold and cruel,rough and capable of bruising my tender skin and dreams,erasing my hopes and flooding my thoughts,feeding my fears and keeping me in tears,thank you world,you are the greatest friend anyone could ask for!!
mama,papa,I want you to know that I am not bankrupt of ideas,I want you to know that I do dream big,I want you to know that I have not settled and I am not content.
I am not over ambitious,I just don`t think I have that much time left to keep waiting,I even hate that word,let alone the action and if nothing is going to happen,you will forgive me for the drastic measures I will take,I hope you will allow me to break my barriers,I hope you will let me walk the mile I am willing to,because maybe it is what i need to do.
I will retire to bed now,it is almost 02.00 am,and when i wake up tomorrow,i will remember this night,just like the others,i will think of you a little more and ask God what plans He has for me,maybe this time,i will get an answer,maybe this time,just maybe….