Reading positive pyschology has really helped improve my life for the better.I look forward to waking up everyday knowing that i will be full of energy,excitement and endless hope,this has been the norm for sometime now.In fact, i can confidently announce that i don’t know how being or worried unhappy feels,until yesterday.
aki mutembei! lilian says,she has been complaining about mutembei ever since we finished highschool years ago,so have i,she was our English teacher and not so good at it either,but i loved her and lilian keeps blaming me for writing too many compositions when some of them could not finish the only assignment given.We continue chatting as we both prepare to leave the house,i have been at her place for the week,i would have stayed longer,had my aunt not called needing a small favour.
I call up silvia before i leave the house,to let her know that i will be dropping by her workplace to say hi.“makwapa na ukose,you have been coming the whole week”
“stakosa baby” I assure her,then hung up.
The distance from kasa to town isn’t something unmanageable so in no time,i pop in and after exchanging pleasantries and some muchene,we walk into the office to say hi to Eric, her workmate.
“nimerudi sasa,umekuwaje” that’s what i usually say to someone i hadn’t really missed,or even, it’s been long, for an answer to i missed you,i always pray that they don’t say i miss you or i will be forced to lie,which rarely happens,making me ‘rude and uncaring’,emotional immaturity,i understand.
I have no idea how this came up but before i knew it,Silvia had announced to Eric that i am getting married in the western,being a luhya,he brightens up,“aaaah,skujua unakuja kuwa shemeji”
i smile vaguely,that marriage thing always freaks me out.
Without wasting time,he starts telling of the traditions and the whole procedure to my marriage,i still don’t understand why we are talking about marriage but i listen and just shiver,lose my appetite and get really scared,that’s when it hits me that i had matured in almost every faculty of life except that.I discover how little i know,if at all i know anything, i realize my fear of marriage and love is actually more than my desire for the same,i keenly listen to Eric,as i wait for the moment i will exit that door,head home and try find a roll of weed or a bottle of alcohol, whichever it is because i don’t really know about alcohols.
I wished to go back to Lilian where the only serious talk we have is about our dream houses and cars.
I manage to calm myself down and just contemplate if i am actually ready or will ever be ready to spend the rest of my life with one person.I think about all the challenges in marriage that i see in the media and in the people around me,i wonder if i really can handle it,is there a class for this kind of lessons.I am growing old,this things will catch up with me,someday,no,they have already found me.It is so sad that i still feel like i have no idea what i should do,what i shouldn’t do,how to behave,the mannerisms i should carry along,i just don’t have any idea how to stop being a lady and start being a woman, i don’t know what i should expect of a man as a husband,i don’t know how to pause my being a career woman and be a wife to someone,i don’t know how to persevere,how to apologize,how to lead a life that has been set by those before me.so i finally understand how unprepared i am,because my life has been all about school and chasing dreams,being classy and fabulous, boosting my self esteem and keeping it high,talk about boys and never men,date without having to think about marriage since i am sure as death that we will definately part ways. when this current one involved the family,i just had to feel so scared,so unprepared and for a rare time,i felt like i actually don’t know so much about life all i have to do is wait for the school of life to teach me lessons i need most in my life that my entire school life never got to teach me.
All the way to Rongai,i wondered and worried until i remembered what i read from the book Positive living,worry and fear have never and will never solve a problem,only desire does.So i smile,alight and walk home singing Celine Dion’s I’m Alive