Probably he won’t be the one whose hand I’ll be holding along this same beach,but the ocean will give us that awkward smile and shove it gave us back then,it knows better than most people do,it has seen tears that flooded it,it has seen happiness that surpassed even the couples understanding, it has seen loneliness and it has seen all that come to it,some for joy and others for sorrow, it has endured it all and nothing is surprising anymore, it has made a room for all and when you want to end it all,it is ready to take your life too.
Maybe he will not be the one whose heartbeat I’ll be counting but I’ll remember I had done this before,72 beats,a little less or a little more and he will rub my back gently and lovingly and I’ll smile beneath his chin and he will kiss my forehead, but for now,he is the one whose heartbeat I count,whose chest I lie on and whose hands I hold.
It could be, he won’t be the one making me feel numerous butterflies when he talks about seeing me and we’re meeting and he loving me and me loving him more,but for now,his is the voice that makes me delirious,his is the chest I lie on and his is the heartbeat I listen to.
He will maybe,not be the man to walk me down the aisle but it won’t be new because I’ll remember how he and I planned it,nothing mega,just legalizing what has already been there,throw a little party for family and a handful of friends and continue what we started,and I will lie on his chest,hold his hand and listen to his heartbeat.
He might fail to be the father of my two kids but the four will have the same name,the names we planned and agreed on long ago and he will convince his wife and I will convince my husband and the two beautiful names will remain and that will forever be a reminder of how beautiful he and I were,together and his wife won’t know and my husband would be in the dark as to why I would insist on the two names and he and I will be smiling secretly while miles apart and it would be telepathy as it has always been,but for now,he is the father to be,he will walk me down the isle,he will allow me lie on his chest,he will let me hold his hand.
His might not be the phone call that wakes me up at 3am just to ask “baby are you okay”,he does that a lot,he would wake me up,any time of the night,to ask how I’m faring on,and hold me close when I’ve had a terrible nightmare, like cockroaches all over my hands,or drowning in a swimming pool and he’ll be holding me close when I wake up and he’ll be already awake as if he’d seen my dream coming and he says “it’s okay honey,you’re fine,I’m here” and I’ll feel fine and I’ll go back to sleep like I didn’t just drink gallons of pool water,but for now,he calls all day and I wait by the minute and it is his love that I wait upon,and I lie on his chest,hold his hand.
Maybe he will be the one in the future, the one to assure me like he does now,that even when I’m old and grey,my heart would still hold the same beauty it held years ago,he probably will be the same man who’ll make me smile,when days have gone by, and he’ll look at me with the same tenderness and love,he’ll hold me with the gentleness of butter, he’ll talk to me with the kindness of a rare rich man to his servants, he’ll love me like he’s been loving me since back in the days and I’ll look up to the sky and tell the Lord,whatever it is that I did to deserve this,I hope I keep doing it.